I want to write down all of the memories I have of her here. Unfortunately, most of those happened after she passed away. So, if that bothers you, you may not want to read any further. My last post left off with us finishing up in the L&D room. After the boys and the grandparents left to go home, Jodie and I had to be moved to another room. I was pleased that they put us in a room far away from the Mommy and Baby floor. I didn't have to hear other baby's crying all night and see happy moms and dads walking down the halls with balloons and teddy bears.
I kept Elizabeth with me the whole time. Jodie was really hungry and asked if I would be okay if he went down to get something to eat. I told him it would be fine and welcomed the opportunity to be alone with the baby for a bit. As soon as the door closed behind him, I looked down at her and lost it for the first time. I sobbed uncontrollably. I squeezed her tight and kissed her again and again. She was so cold already. That's just something a mother shouldn't have to experience. Mom's are naturally aware of their baby's body and it's an instinct to keep your baby warm. It's a desperate feeling not to be able to warm her no matter what you try. I realized that this would be a mental hurdle that I would need to get over. Nothing could bring that warmth back to her physical body.
About that time, the Odells arrived. What a relief! Carrie cried with me for a few minutes. I was glad not to be alone. She held the baby for awhile. I am very proud of her. I know she was scared about how she would react or if she could handle the whole thing, but she did great and I think she was as surprised as I was at how little you even noticed her anomaly. After the Odells left, my grandparents came up for a visit. Granny rocked the baby for a bit. It was getting late so they left.
|Carrie Odell visiting us at the hospital.|
I had only had about 3 hours of sleep when I woke up. It was 3am. I'm not sure I can put into words how I felt over the next few hours. My body and my instincts were telling me to mother my baby. Feed her, change her, rock her when she cries. None of these were possible. I felt so helpless and useless. All I could do was hold her. As I sat there rocking her in the dark and crying, God answered my prayer. I noticed that little baby boogies were barely running out of her nose. Finally, something a mommy could do. I grabbed a tissue and blotted the boogies away. It happened a couple more times over the next hour and I was thrilled each time to wipe her little nose. I folded up that tissue and put it in her memory box. Knowing that we weren't going to have her embalmed, we had to keep her body cool. So, I also got to make sure that her ice packs were changed frequently. Any little thing to help me feel useful.
I finally decided to lay back down in the bed, this time with her in my arms. We snuggled up close and I fell back asleep for about an hour before they brought my breakfast in.What a long day we had together and God was with us through it all.